Promise not to judge. I meet Biff on Hinge. It’s not quite as bad as Tinder (the dating app that’s known for hookups) but it’s almost as bad. Hinge operates like this: You have facebook. Your friends have facebook. Some of those friends are single. Hinge shows me YOUR friend’s picture and not much else. I click “yes” or “no.” If he also clicks “yes” then BAM. Game on. Guess what? You may be unknowingly hooking your friends up. So thanks!
We meet and he seems nice. Normal. Goes to church. Loves horses and America too. Wait. That’s a Tom Petty song. But mostly correct. In an extremely un-Jamie-like-fashion I invite him to join me and my friends at the Renaissance Faire the following day.
He asks if I’ll be in costume. I respond with “I refuse to answer such a preposterous question!” (Of COURSE I dress up and am in full renaissance attire. Duh.) Biff comes in a t-shirt. And shorts. LAME. But whatever. Not everyone wants to be a fun person. He brings his roommate and another chick. They don’t bring much to this story so I won’t go into further detail about them.
We are having a grand ol’ time drinking beer out of leather mugs, eating steak on a stick and watching an angry wench meet an unfortunate fate in the “drench a wench” or “soak a bloke” dunk tank. Then we head to the Dragon’s Lair. Let me say this… it’s not for the faint of heart. The Dragon’s Lair is where all of the serious Renn Faire goers gather. It’s a place to see and be seen. It’s filled with people who spend thousands of dollars on their costumes and have only time-period appropriate clothes, hats and accessories. Strangely enough, it’s also where all of the bikers go. You read that right. Motorcycle-driving, leather-jacket-wearing, I-love-mom-tattoo-showing, big-black-boot-sporting bikers. For some reason bikers LOVE the Renn Faire. Irrelevant? Perhaps.
We are in line for more grog when I strike up a conversation with the middle-aged man in front of us.
WTF?! Who is this guy? And better question: why am I here with him? Thank goodness that this kind soul has the ability to respond graciously to big, bad bully Biff and his awfulness. I am fuming. In a queen's veil. It's not a pleasant sight.
Biff is on extremely thin ice when religion comes up. Oh great. I am starting to zone out when he mentions that homosexuals are like criminals. Sigh.
I learn an important lesson from Biff. Someone may check off your “boxes,” but it does NOT mean they are a good match. Similarly, just because someone goes to church on Sundays doesn't mean they treat people with the golden rule. Sorry dude, but Jesus would NOT have been a jerk to nerds at the Renn Faire. No way in HE double hockey sticks.